Fake or Real?

So I guess I just want to write.  I have so much incredible pain in me right now and I don't know where to put it.  I've done so much talking and therapy and all that.  At the end of the day, I just don't know who I really am and can't find it again.  When I was in High School, my friends and I had a game where we would show a stupid looking fake smile and call out "Fake or Real?"  It made us laugh a ton when we did it.  When I look back at my life, that's what my question is.  What in the world is happening to me?  I'm in the middle of a divorce that haunts me constantly.  I'm sad a lot because I want to have a relationship with her.  I want to laugh and joke about things we used to do and say.  I can't look anywhere and not see things that haunt me.  Is this the rest of my life?  I'm scared of my past.  I'm scared about how it's going to chew me up........my days seem ok for the most part but I'm just not sure who I really am. Is this me just a big show?  Am I incredibly blind to my own self?  In the end, I'm just not sure if I'm the physical embodiment the that "Fake or Real" game I used to joke about.